I had it all planned out in my head last night about what I would write about.
But I couldn't, despite the privacy plus of the laptop (being able to escape to my room to avoid prying eyes) I was with him, and it wasn't that I was scared he'd read, it was more I didn't feel comfortable.
I've been visiting family for a few weeks now. My heart has been aching wandering around the house, because last time I was here, was when i truly fell for you.
Right now, sitting on the couch I remember using msn on my phone, my battery about to go flat in the middle of a conversation with you.
In the kitchen, laughing about something you said while getting a drink.
And the bedroom .. where we had our most private chats.
It hurt to be in those rooms without being busy with something, because letting my mind wander back to memories hurt to much. And those were the main rooms, I couldn't keep spending all my time outside.
I guess what I'm saying is I didn't think you'd REALLY affect me as much as you have.
But that's not your fault.. I let myself get caught up on you, and left myself open to disaster.
Sure, it was only online, but you were intoxicating.
It mightn't have seemed like I felt that strongly for you. But the strength of feelings was equal to that of my feelings for Him, and you were 1000s of kilometres away... imagine how it would've been if I was there, or you were here.
I sometimes wonder if writing this stuff down, and exploring the memories are doing me any good.. if anything, wouldn't it be better for me to forget?
But.. it must be doing something.
Last night, was the first time I didn't think about you during sex.
It was just me and Him, without you lurking in the back of my mind .. and it was an amazing feeling.
I apologise for feeling triumphant about this, but you moved on so quickly, whether you felt something or not remains a mystery to me.. but you moved on, and left me here to pick myself back up and last night was the first time I felt I could actually acheive this.
